“If not now, when?”
Hillel the Elder xiii
There is considerable research about when a bystander is most likely to intervene. They will be more likely to say or do something when the situation is viewed as an emergency, when there is no one else available, when there is a social norm of responsibility for one another, and when there is some affinity for the people involved.xiv
The first step of a bystander approach is to recognize high-risk situations in which someone is at risk of being harmed and to overcome the barriers that might keep you from intervening. xv
- Notice the event
- Consider whether the situation demands some action
- Decide if YOU have a responsibility to act (and if not you, who does)
- Choose what form of assistance to use
But what about concerning, questionable, or even problematic sexual behaviors? There is no specific event, but something does not feel quite right. Maybe you find a friend’s behavior uncomfortable when they are drinking, or others have commented on how your teammate acts at parties. Perhaps a bystander intervened, but now you have an opportunity to have a conversation the next day, to talk with someone to say you are concerned about their behavior when they are more likely to hear the impact of their actions. Some of the same factors – knowing the person well, an affinity for the people involved -- may influence whether someone is willing to do something or talk about concerns.
When should you consider having a conversation?
- You feel concerned about what they said or did, even if was not directed at you
- You or someone else stepped in and nothing harmful ended up happening, but it left you worried
- Someone intervened and afterwards, your friend who caused concerns tells you they were affected by what happened and wants help talking about it
- When you saw someone you know do something concerning or a bit sketchy (e.g., you saw a friend take a photo without consent)
- When your gut tells you that saying something could make a difference